Unitarian Jihad - Jon Carroll

Jon Carroll from The San Francisco Chronicle from April 8, 2005 (OK I'm a bit slow) has been contacted by the Unitarian Jihad.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression! (follow this link to continue)

I don't know weather I should laugh or cry.

Jeff Foxworthy on Quebec (I think)

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 3 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you live in Quebec.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Quebec.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in Quebec.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you live in Quebec. (Not to mention that mine keeps his long underwear on until long into June.)

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Quebec.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Quebec.

You know you are a true Quebecer if...

1. "Vacation" means going South past Plattsburg for the weekend.


2. You measure distance in hours.


3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.


4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and then back again.


5. You can drive 110 kph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.


6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.


7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.


8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.


9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.


10. Down South to you means Albany ... (Where's Albany, south of Newport?)


11. Your 1st of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.


12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.


13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."


14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Quebec friends.

Its Been A while....

I'm not a very good blogger, as you can tell by my infrequent entries.

Thats not really true, I just don't think about it as often as I should. I've also been a bit depressed lately; this is the week between the anniversaries of my parents deaths. I'm managing.

A couple of things have caught my attention; Greasemonkey and a record comapny, Putumayo World Music.

Greasemonkey is a small Firefox/Mozilla extension that allows you to customize the way a webpage displays using small bits of JavaScript you can find it here : https://addons.mozilla.org/extensions/moreinfo.php?id=748&application=firefox there are tons of scripts to use with it here: http://userscripts.org

I'm using it to save Google and YouTube videos. Oh yeah, you're going to need he VLC media player

My other discovery is Putumayo World Music I had some gift certificates to use, I really didn't know what to get myself, then I saw the floor display, bright colours, and music!! (ok I sound like a kid...so what!)

There was a huge selection of world music CDs, I wanted something with a broad selection of music. Swing Around the World was my choice.

This upbeat collection of swinging tunes from artists around the world will get people of all ages up and on their feet.

Clicking on the link will bring you to a page with samples from the CD, you'll need Real Player or the Real Player Alternative Real Player Alternative

I think the music is GREAT!!

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!" or Six reasons to think before you speak

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking men who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feels better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and did not, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!